I Think I Need A Sunrise

The title is from "Boston" by Augustana.


I have this friend. Except that "friend" really doesn't describe us. It's more like Hermanas.

It really isn't possible for me to talk about Tijuana without mentioning her. I met her on the first trip to TJ because she was one of the (lucky) ones who got assigned to our car for the 15 hour ride down there. FIFTEEN. In a minivan. With my little brothers. And 7 people's baggage. And miraculously, no one murdered anyone else. Anyways, whoever made that carpool list had to have been in tune with the spirit because making her acquaintance was nothing short of a miracle. Allow me to explain.

*It definitely wouldn't be fair to talk about TJ and Hermanas without talking about our other hermana, Lexie, but this post has a different focus.*

If you read my post entitled "It'll Take More Than Just A Breeze To Make Me Fall Overboard" you will see that the pre-Tijuana version of myself was having some struggles right before this trip. Weird mental lapses and self-induced perfectionism woes were taking their toll on me. It was one of those times (which I think every person eventually has) where I had to really decide what kind of person I wanted to be. I could either continue whatever it was I was doing and keep being miserable, or I could change every mental aspect of my life and see where it took me. And I know it seems cliche to say that because I was only 16 at the time, and who really knows who they are/are going to be when they are 16, but it seemed like a really big deal at the time. And I guess it kind of was because when I look back, i'm so glad things worked out as they did. I really do not want to even imagine how different things could be if certain things (like meeting incredible people, having life-changing experiences in TJ, really getting into the gospel) hadn't come into my life and helped me change. I hope that made sense.

A big thing that needed changing was my self-reliance. *It's important for me to note that i'm extremely grateful for everything that is done for me. I live in a comfortable home, I have everything I need and quite a few things that I merely want, and heck, I even have a car to drive and a parking spot in the garage for when it snows. I don't think I appreciated all these facts before, but that's just part of the beauty of what has changed.* It wasn't so much that I thought I could do everything better myself. It was more like I knew that if something went wrong, I would know who needed to be fixed. The best way I know to say it is that I didn't know HOW to trust people. Or maybe I didn't know how to trust myself. Well, I don't know if you have ever tried to do everything by yourself, but it doesn't work. Honestly, it just doesn't work. It just wears you down to the point of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. Needless to say, there were definitely trust issues involved. One more minor detail, I was a hard core perfectionist. It wasn't enough to get A's in all my classes, I had to get A's on all my assignments and all my tests in all my classes. I couldn't just do the dishes, I had to clean the stove and take out the garbage and then clean out the sink once the dishes were in the dishwasher. I couldn't just clean my room, I had to make sure my brushes were in the right drawer and that my jeans were folded the right way. (Maybe a little OCD combined with perfectionism?) Now try doing everything by yourself to perfection. That's where I was.

I feel like this is gonna be too long if I don't get to the point sometime soon. So here it is. Before I went on the first trip to Tijuana, I didn't know how much I didn't know. And to be honest, I don't think I even knew how to learn. Sure I could do school things, but that was different. I didn't know how to let things affect me. I thought that being strong meant not letting myself feel things, or at least not letting people know that I felt things. I thought emotion and passion were for the weak. And if I never felt passionate about anything, I certainly wouldn't be willing to change for it, much less learn from it. Well, enter Holly Rindlisbacher and Tijuana Mexico.

I know I need to be careful because I know Holly will be one of the only ones who actually read this and  I don't want her to feel awkward. And this will probably seem a little bit stalker-y, so forgive me. But here's the truth. Meeting her changed my life. She's just one of those people who you can literally feel the goodness emanating from. She was just so accepting and friendly right off the bat. I mean let's get real. If I were in college, I wouldn't exactly be looking at annoying 16 year olds on family trips as prime new friendship material. Which is why i'm convinced the Lord knew that I needed an example in my life right at that moment. And i'm so incredibly grateful that she was living her life in such a way that He could use her to be that example for me. I still don't fully understand how it all worked out for me at the time, but seeing how she treated people (especially me) and her attitude and just the way she went about living made me want to change. And it taught me that there really are people worth trusting. And not only would it not kill me to trust someone else, but it could actually improve my life.

Here's the real kicker. I somehow came to the conclusion that all this happiness/goodness that I was seeing was a result of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Holly and I never really had any deep religious conversations or blindingly spiritual moments on the first trip. Maybe it was because we were serving the people in TJ whom we had never met with our own hands on our own time and I recognized the overwhelming spirit that comes with that. I really don't know for sure exactly what it was that made the connection to the gospel. But I know that when I decided to change, I knew that the change would have to involve the church if I wanted it to make a difference. If I wanted to have joy, not just fleeting satisfaction or temporary happiness but real joy, I would have to turn to Christ. And I think that if that's the only thing I ever learned from Holly, that alone would be enough to make us Hermanas. Because an Hermana is kind of like a half peso - they make you want to be the best version of yourself, the TJ version of yourself :)

So I did it. I turned to Him. And I still am turning to Him. And I will continue to do so. As long as being on His side gives me this joy and comfort and peace, I will continue to be on His side. Not to say that turning to Christ has made my life perfect. But He makes it worth getting though all the imperfections. And I didn't say 'as long as my life is peachy and he makes sure my life is easy i'll be on His side". Because that's not what it's about. He's not here to make our lives easy, because easy is meaningless. He is here to help us through the hard times because those are the things we learn from.

There is a song that I must have listened to 7 or 8 times everyday for the first month or two after getting back from TJ the first time. It's called "Getting Into You" by Relient K. Allow me to share a few lines because there is no need to paraphrase what was already put so perfectly. This song is directed toward God and I don't think I could have said it better myself.

I'm getting into you 
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you 
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life


As if this post doesn't make it obvious enough, i'm very grateful to Holly. For being an awesome friend, for making me laugh til I cry, for swindling her grocery money so we could get matching t-shirts, for the endless amounts of tacos, for the horrible Dwayne Johnson movies, for counting all the lamest things I say, for the validation, for being willing to try to read the Libro de Mormon en espanol with me, for putting up with me when I act 17, for trying to help me (the most musically inept person on earth) learn to play piano, for helping me find Home and what that really means, for NETJD pictures and coming up with mexi-stache smiley faces, for her patience, for helping teach me SO many crucial lessons, for our talks on the roof of la clinica, for showing me the way to find joy, for many many many more things that I could keep listing until we take our families to TJ, but mostly for being a true Hermana. For being MY Hermana.


So in conclusion, I have this friend. Except that "friend" really doesn't describe us. It's more like Hermanas. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Don't Let Your Dreams Be Dreams

Jack Johnson. Need I say more?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ePIeUQ4BSU

I swear i'll post about Mexico some day. I'm still super stressed out and busy right now with everything, but i'm SOOOOOO close to being done with my Sterling Scholar portfolio. Once I get that out of the way, I'll have time to do all the things I've been dreaming of...like sleep or eat. Anyway, I thought I'd share one of the pages from my portfolio since i've put so dang much work into it. It's really not that cool, but if you have seen me in the past week or so and I looked like I probably hadn't slept in at least 4 centuries, here is why.

"Without love, life is merely the inhalation and exhalation of tainted air alongside others who must do the same. "

Let The Rain

Song of the same title by Sara Bareilles. I can't get enough of this song right now :)
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sara_bareilles/let_the_rain.html

I don't have enough time right now to write what I really want to write. But I just felt like saying how grateful I am feeling right now. For music from the likes of Sara Bareilles, A Fine Frenzy and Switchfoot. For incredible people and even better examples that I've had the honor of calling my friends. For carpet and brushing my teeth without a waterbottle and flushable toilet paper. For the best (earthly) older brother ive ever had and that he seemed to be having a good birthday today. For a Father in heaven who cares enough to give me the determination and will power to accomplish things what would literally be impossible without his help. For a heritage that includes folks like Marvin Brown who once said something to the effect of "As long as there's a breath in my body, I only want to serve the Lord." And for the opportunities to learn what that feels like. This past week has been stressful with being in charge of my little brothers and huge reading assignments in 3 classes and sterling scholar portfolios being due soon. But as much stress as I've felt, I've felt an exponentially larger amount of graditude.

"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity to take things for granted."

Good Times For A Change

It's 1:17 AM on a school night. What better to do than blog? Let me explain! I took a three hour nap earlier today, tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas break and there are only approximately 10 days left before I'll be in my Homeland once again. If you were me, you wouldn't be asleep either.

I'm SO incredibly excited for this trip to Tijuana. One of my best friends (the one I went to Promontory Point with for UEA, see the post entitled 'Drive Friendly) is coming with us. I don't know if she'll have the same experience or if she'll even like it. But I know I will be in good company in my favorite place on earth. Some people in my ward have given me things to take down to the orphanage. I CANNOT WAIT TO CROSS THE BORDER!!!

Most people look at me like i have a mental disorder when I say that Tijuana Mexico is where I'm most at home. But if they could see the look in the eyes of the kids at the orphanage just to have someone to play with and give them attention. If they could serve people they had never met before with their own two hands and look at those strangers and see nothing but love and gratitude coming from them. If they could see the caliber of joy in the lives of the people living in the humblest of circumstances, I think they'd change their minds.

Today I had a Mexican coke. I've been counting down the days starting when there were 56 left. I went to a Spanish branch last week with my Hermana. I've worn something from Mexico every Wednesday this year (besides the Wednesday's in December because I've worn a Christmas sweater everyday so far). I think it's safe to say that I'm a little excited for December 26-January 2nd :)

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas

Bing Crosby style, if you please.

 Today Logan is supposed to be hit by a giant blizzard at about 3:00. We even had a pre-planned half day of school because it is expected to make driving nearly impossible. Well, in case we are snowed in for the rest our lives, I thought i'd make one last post. PS it's kinda creepy outside right now, DEFINITE calm before the storm kinda thing.

Fun things that have happened lately:

• Went to the high school's production of White Christmas. T'was quite good :)
• Saw Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows! Can't wait for the second part.
• Rented and watched the Bing Crosby version of White Christmas, incidentally i've fallen in love with his voice and can't stop listening to Christmas music. I know its before Thanksgiving, sue me :)
• Went with the whole family to the Heber Creeper train ride for a trip to the "North Pole". Think Polar Express, but without copyright issues.
• Got accepted to the University of Iowa, the Honors program, and the School of Nursing. And offered a $17000 scholarship over 4 years.

I've had a really great attitude today. I don't know why exactly, but i've just been in a good mood. I think it's partially because I know Christmas is coming soon, and that means my next trip to Tijuana is coming soon. I am dying to go back! I'm having a hard time waiting. I started counting down in October. 

On the off-chance that we DON'T all freeze to death today, I wish everyone a Happy Anorexia Prevention Day!!!

Another Reason Not To Fear The Sky

Its days like yesterday that remind me why i've decided not to play basketball this year.

• I was up til midnight studying for the PFP 1050 quiz and FCHD 1500 test the night before. 
• Woke up late and rushed out the door to pick up the girls I give rides to.
• Trudged through AP Stats & took a reading quiz in AP English Lit
• Took the PFP 1050 quiz
• Took the FCHD 1500 quiz
• Left FCHD early to take pictures for Senior Superlatives and place an order for graduation announcements
• Was late to Medical Anatomy because I only had 7 minutes to eat lunch once the pictures for Superlatives were done.
• Pulled my hair out in Medical Anatomy while we tried to use microscopes to identify and draw epithelial and cartilage cells.
• Went to the Multi-Cultural Club meeting after school.
• Went home for about 40 minutes and read part of the assignment for AP English
• Went to get picture taken at City Hall with the Mayor and get sworn in for LYCC
• Went home and read a little more for about 20 minutes
• Went to Young Women's to practice for YW in Excellence, stayed after for 20 minutes practicing the song with the piano for the first time, stayed after waiting for soup to warm up that never actually warmed up
• Got home around 9:00, had family prayers & personal scripture study
• Finally finished the reading, did the review worksheet for an AP Stats test coming up this week, started the make-up work for seminary since I will be at Distinguished Scholars Day on Friday
• Last but not least, finished 3 essays for Sterling Scholar that were due this morning at 12:49 AM

To top it all off, we had a Sterling Scholar meeting before school today. Quitting basketball was probably the hardest decision i've ever had to make. But if I had to try and fit it in somewhere, I think my mind and planner would explode. I'm extremely grateful for the talk that Bro Uchtdorf gave in General Conference this year because that was what made me make the decision. Here is a link for the talk. If you haven't read/seen it, i'd strongly recommend it. It was in the Saturday Morning session, entitled Of The Things That Matter Most.

http://lds.org/conference/sessions/display/0,5239,23-1-1298,00.html

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."

It'll Take More Than Just A Breeze To Make Me Fall Overboard

Song: Overboard by Ingrid Michaelson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjplwaIUm-c

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl never really liked Math. And usually she tried to be open to things and give them a second chance. But it seemed as though Math had taken it too far. For one, Math is the only subject she ever got an A- in during high school. And that was not a pleasant experience. Second, there is Math homework almost every night except the days that you take tests, and those always seem to be rough days even without the homework. The list of reasons for this girl's distaste could go on and on. But i'll narrate one specific bad experience and two good. Saving the good for last :)

This girl had always done well in school. She wasn't one of those super geniuses who you KNOW have computers for brains. She had to work really, really hardat it. But she was determined and gave the full effort and the results made it worth it. Anyways, this girl kept up a 4.0 until the 2nd quarter of her junior year. She was taking concurrent enrollment Math 1050, which is the equivalent of Pre-Calc A. Throughout the whole semester, she had done extremely well. She turned in all of her assignments on time, paid attention in class, and even did the review assignments now and then before chapter tests. This class seemed to go as all her other past classes had gone. Until November came.

Weird things started to happen when teacher began talking about preparing for the Final Exam that would be given right after Christmas Break. Thegirl thought that it would be no big deal, just like the trillions of tests she had taken before. But then the teacher started talking about how it was worth 30% of the final grade and how it would be on your permanent college transcript and something new happened to the girl. She got nervous. And the nerves wouldn't go away. The exam was a month and half away and she already had a bad feeling about it. Well the nerves started to creep into other things. Shots wouldn't fall during Basketball practice. She got bad quiz scores in other classes. Heck, she even tanked a chapter test in Math that she had done extra studying for. These things were definitely out of the ordinary for this girl. So right before Christmas Break she talked to her teacher and he gave the girl a few extra practice exams to get her more prepared. Unlike most kids, she didn't throw her backpack into a dark corner to rot until January 2nd when school started again. She poured her little brains out onto those practice tests. And even when she was working on roofs in Mexico for the last week of the break she was constantly thinking about math problems and wondering if she was really prepared for the exam or not.

During one of the many truck rides while she was in Mexico, a thought came to her. Would it really matter if she did poorly on the test? That meant a bad grade in the class. Did it really matter if she got a bad grade in that class? That would mean the end of her 4.0 GPA that she had worked so hard for. Did it really matter if she didn't have a 4.0? It meant...it meant...what did it really mean? She realized that she was afraid that it would mean she wasn't perfect. And once she thought of it like that, she realized something else. She already knew she wasn't perfect. She already knew that there were more important things than being the best at everything. She realized that success doesn't come from always being at the top of the list. It came from trying. And remembering what things actually mattered. Like focusing on the people that she was serving down in TJ. Or making memories with her family and new friends while they were together. Or just plain trying to be a good person.

Because of all these realizations, she knew that she needed to stop worrying because things would work out how they were supposed to work out whether she was losing sleep over it or not. So for the rest of the week, she just relaxed. And when she got back to school, she honestly knew in her heart that the past week had taught her more than all the math classes she had ever taken. And even though colleges like to focus more on GPA's and ACT's than life changing thought processes and experiences, she was certain that she would rather have the knowledge gained during that week than all the semesters of college that a 4.0 GPA could buy.

So she went into the test knowing that the result of the letters circled and the numbers scribbled in the answer box really weren't that important. Not to say she didn't try her hardest, because she really truly did. Just because it wasn't the most important thing to her anymore didn't mean that keeping a 4.0 wouldn't be nice. Nevertheless, she bombed it. Not just didn't-get-an-A-like-normal. Serious bombage up in there. Like a D+ or something like that. And that was enough to drop her grade from an A to an A-, effectively ending her 4.0 streak. And it was hard on her. She still was more than a little sad to see it go. Even now when she is looking at Index Score matrices as she is applying to college, she still feels a little pang when her finger has to go down the 3.9 column. (Luckily, it still gets to meet up with the 30 ACT row). But she was able to get over it. And it was a learning experience from which she became better, not bitter. And without the experience in Mexico, she wouldn't be able to say that.

Well, that was a lot longer than I meant it to be, so i'll try to sum up the next one for her. That whole experience was with Math 1050. Next semester brought Math 1060 AKA Trigonometry. Armed with her new attitude towards school, the Force chapters covered in her Physics class and the fact that Softball was a lot less pressure than Basketball, the girl did extremely well in 1060. So well that she felt confident enough to make a deal with her mom. If the girl got an A on the Final for 1060, the mom had to take the girl out for Sushi :) Well...

That was a good day :)

And today wasn't half bad either. Even though it wasn't a final exam, it still felt really good when she looked at her AP Statistics grade online and saw that she got 84 out of 80 on the last test she took. It was probably only the second time in her life that something math-related made her smile.

Well, I guess that wasn't all about Math. But you get the point. There are some valuable lessons to be learned from Math class. Its just that they rarely come from the textbook :)

"I don't think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday."