I wrote this thing as a note on FB, but then realized that not everyone has Facebook who might like to read this. *cough* Holly! *cough* So I just copied and pasted it here. Enjoy!
I have a blog, but I don't think anyone actually reads it ever. So I figured if I was going to write something like this and I wanted it to be read, I should probably just do it on FB since nothing is official unless it's on FB. So here it goes.
If you know me at all, you know that music means a lot to me. I find a lot of meaning in the words and the melodies. And i'm not convinced that it would ever be possible for me to pick one singular favorite song. But for now, for today, for this week, for this time in my life right now, I can't stop listening to one particular song.
Walls by The Rocket Summer
[The story of my life I can't quite comprehend.
Don't tell me if you know how it ends.
When everywhere you go feels like a mirror maze,
And you're not sure how you're stuck in this place...]
I'm leaving everyone and everything I know in less than 4 months. What will the story of my life be? I don't know. Will it be everything I've worked so hard for every day of my life up to now? I don't know. Will things be the same when I come back? I don't know. Am I nervous and scared out of my freakin' mind? Well, that one I do know. Every thought I'm having right now feels like a mirror maze. And i'm not sure how I got to where I am right now where everything feels so unsure. It feels like I worked my tail off in school so I could have all these doors open and choose whatever option seemed the best, but all of this 'stuff' makes the whole situation feel more like walls than open doors.
[And you got nowhere else to go
And you're lost within your own home,
And you're trying so hard to win,
You keep trying, it's embarrassing.
And how you don't even know,
But you know you're off the tracks...
And how did you get in here?
Thinking how did I get in here?]
It's not that I feel this overwhelming need to stay in Cache Valley for the rest of my life. I love Logan for making me into the person that I am. And that person isn't perfect, but i'm alive and I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, the most important thing in my life. Logan has been pretty good to me. But i'm not done growing yet. And I feel like it's time for me to see what else is out there. In no way am I saying this is the case for everyone. For some people, a lot of people actually, Logan still has more to offer them. USU is a great school and i'm so happy for everyone who has decided that this is where they belong for the next little while. But that's not me. If I stayed in Logan, i'd be lost within my own home. This is where i've done most of my growing up, but if I tried to stay here and move on at the same time, i'd be lost. I'm trying so hard to win the fight of my own contentedness. But there are so many sides to this whole situation. How I even got to this crazy mixed up place of needing to get out of here but being so nervous to leave-I don't know. But it's embarrassing to think of how much flip-flopping is going on inside my own head and especially in my own heart. Do I want to get out of here as soon as possible and just get on with my life? Or do I want to cherish every moment I have left with the people I love? How did I get in here? I don't even know. But I know i'm off the tracks of how I imagined this time in my life would be. Somehow I drempt up a flawless, stressless time where I could just be excited for new things and everyone around me would be super supportive and there would be nothing holding me back. But now that i'm here, there are these walls, and it seems like with every passing day, they are getting more and more daunting.
[Does anybody know where February went?
I was hoping that by now it would be the end of this:
When you open up a book and read a thousand lines,
But you don't really read you just move your eyes.]
Ha, anyone know what comes after February? Yeah, that's right. March. If you didn't know this, March and I don't get along very well. By the time I got through March this year, I was hoping we could just be at the end of all this nonsense. On top of all this internal turmoil, there's still high school. I still gotta get up and go to classes and take tests for grades that don't even matter. I'm already accepted to the 4-year university of my choice! I already have an academic scholarship! I'm already accepted into the Honors program! Why are we still going through this robotic routine of high school? We're all still opening up our books, but really we are just moving our eyes. And sometimes we don't even go that far. And perhaps, even if we did actually read those thousands of lines, we still wouldn't be learning as much as we learn just from plain old life. I think all the seniors right now feel a need to break out of the walls of pointless high school drudgery.
Despite all these walls, I feel something even more dominant and full of prowess than these barriers. I feel something more important than the fear. I feel something more prominent than the need to move on. I feel human love.
To each person who takes the time to read this, thank you. It is because of each of you that I keep pushing on. I keep getting up and going through the routine. I keep facing the hard decisions. I keep hoping that the future holds something bright for me, not just something hard to deal with. At one time or another, I feel that each of you have sung the next few lines to me at least once through your words and deeds, and many many many of you more than once.
[I'll help you break the walls down.
I'll help you break the walls down...
Bust you out, and take you home,
Believe you me you are not alone,
I'll help you break the walls down.]
More times than I would like to willingly admit, I've looked at these walls and considered them insurmountable. I've felt like this is impossible. I felt like I can't do it alone. And in reality, it's more than just this specific situation. The walls that i've seen and felt and cowered in fear of have all felt unbreakable. It's just that this situation is what's on my mind in this moment. And you know what? I think I was right in feeling those things. These walls ARE insurmountable for me. It really IS impossible. But here's where the beauty lies.
I am not alone.
I've got the most incredible, loving, thoughtful friends and family. And most importantly, i've got my savior Jesus Christ on my side through thick and thin. You guys all help me break these walls down. When i've found myself off the tracks, you guys have busted me out and taken me home, wherever 'home' may be. For I believe that home is more than where I reside. Home is where I feel like it's okay to be me. But that's a whole different subject. Allow me to further dissect this particularly stunning line.
[Believe you me, you are not alone.]
I could write a whole note on how there was a time in my life when I would not have believed this line. I would not have understood or accepted that I wasn't alone. I had removed myself so far from the ability or even the desire to trust. But through especially the last 2 or so years, i've found that there is nothing more important. It's because I am not alone that I can even think about breaking these walls down. And heavens knows i've only started to chip away at some of them. But when i've got all of you on my side, I know that we'll diminish them soon enough. With enough hearts on my side, what once was a barrier becomes rubble soon enough.
[And all the weight,
And I will willingly,
Embrace you so,
You lay your head.
So come on home,
Come on home,
Come on home.]
Perhaps it would be best for me just to leave this stanza in its pure, untouched form. It's simple enough. It's meaning is sublime just as Bryce Avary created it, so I will leave it unaltered but invite you to be inspired by it as I have.
I would love to be able to end this post right here and know that it got the message across that I hope to convey. But I think I know people better than that. When I said "you guys", I know each person reading this said to themselves that I was referring to everyone else, but not themselves. And I wish dearly that I had the time and energy and space and brain power to write about every single person. But I don't. So i'll try to highlight a few of you, but PLEASE do not be offended or think that i'm not speaking to you when I say thank you for helping me break down my walls if I do not specifically mention you.
Family - Wow. Where would I even start. Each of us are so different from the next. We are weird. We sing musicals to each other. We eat dinner at 10:00 at night. We would all be lost if Apple shut down. We go on 2 day camping trips that we have to drive 12 hours for. We think it's normal to play full-out game shows on family vacations. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Parents: thank you for having me and for putting up with me.
Kira: thank you for letting me room with you all those years even though we are like a decade apart. Thank you for showing me how much love a mom can have for their kid even when you're pregnant, tired, and sick and the kid is screaming and crying.
Brent: thank you for letting me be cool enough for you. Thank you for including me and allowing me to grow up. Thank you for recognizing when I try and accepting what and who I am even though i'm still just a work in progress.
Brittny: thank you for showing me that it's ok to be goofy. Thank you for proving that you can be an awesome wife, mom, baker, employee, disciple of Christ, and sister and still have a fun attitude about it all.
Kristi: thank you for changing my life. Thank you for sharing your taste in music with me. I've said it before and i'll say it again - the summer you left for Alaska and left me all your CD's is the summer I decided who I was and who I was not going to be. Thank you for making me laugh until I cry. Thank you for having your own opinion and still accepting and loving those whose opinions differ. Thank you for letting me be in on yours and Brent's late night conversations. Thank you for being my sister.
Tyler: thank you for teaching me patience. I know i'm still not very good at showing it, and it's been kind of a rough road getting there, but i've learned how to love you for who you are, even if that means someone different from what I picture as a little brother. Thank you for letting me be your big sister, even if i'm not very good at it.
Chris: thank you for showing me how to be quirky and be okay with it. Thank you for showing me that if you love something, it shouldn't matter what other people say. And thank you for not punching me even though I tease you about your mustache sometimes :)
If I tried to go through all my amazingly wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles and eveyone, i'd be here for the rest of my life. Just know that you all amaze me and I cherish the memories I have with you all.
Katie Sorensen - You are one of my oldest friends. We've been through a lot together. A lot of ups and our fair share of downs. But somehow through it all, through all my weird moodiness and changing and general high school drama, you've put up with me. And not just that, but somehow, I think we've enjoyed it. We have our differences, but that's what keeps things interesting. I know that you know I trust you more than almost anyone, and I think that's amazing. This has been a hard year, and I know I probably don't even know the half of it, but I admire you for getting through it. Not without pitfalls and U turns and road bumps and all those other cheesy metaphors, but you kept pushing through it all. And it has taught me how to be a better friend, and sadly, that I need to be a better one. The memories of our trip to TJ can not and will not soon be forgotten. I thank you for letting me talk your dang ear off so so so many times. For all the thousands of sports memories. That includes watching you play soccer and learning what it means to have a passion for something. Your example concerning soccer and choosing what matters most to you taught me more than you'll probably ever now. And of course, for all the spontaneous things that I could never come up with without you. Psych sandwiches? Promontory point? 2-legged 2-armed, 2-headed person? etc? I respect you a lot and look up to you and I am so very grateful for our friendship.
Kaylee Merrill - For the record, I had a really hard time not writing Murl right there. Kaylee, where do I even start with you? First of all, you have taught me how to laugh. Not just a little chuckle. But a deep belly laugh where I usually end up wiping tears and having to pick myself up after rolling on the floor laughing so hard. I honestly don't know if there has ever been a time when i've felt sad around you. And that's not to say that you can't be a serious person. I admire your reverence and respect for the things that deserve reverence and respect. But another part of that is that you can have the total goof-ball side and the respectful side all in one person without coming across as two-faced. I haven't always been a very good friend to you. And in some cases, i've been down right awful. I apologize for those times. I think you should know that one of the legitimate main reasons deciding not play basketball this year was so hard was that I knew you and I would grow apart. And I don't know if I ever really told you why I had to quit. But if I haven't, you deserve to know and you should ask me sometime. Thankfully, even though it's not the same teammate friendship that we've shared since as long as I can remember, we've managed to stay close enough through this year. Thank you for ALL the basketball memories, especially Freshman year. I don't know that I could have made it that season without you. Thank you for singing Rihanna with Kristi and Chuck, and for coming to random family events with me, and for letting us make ice cream shakes at your grandpa's, and for not cutting me out of your life even when I call you Greyhorse :) Again, I feel blessed to have you as a friend.
Leticia Pradera - Well, let's be honest. If someone had told me that by the end of my senior year, you would be one of my best friends, I would have laughed in their face. Fortunately, there's a plan a lot bigger than mine that included you in my life. I honestly thank the Lord every night in my prayers that I was given the chance to get to know you and Kandyce and Shannon this year. It couldn't have happened any other way. I think we have been able to become such good friends so fast because we know each others' testimonies so well. And let me say, yours is one of the most beautiful testimonies i've ever heard. I look up to you so much (no short joke intended) and I seriously learn something new from you everyday. Even in the short few months that we've been pals we've had our differences. But who wants a friend who thinks exactly the same as they do? Not me. And I don't think they've been anything but learning experiences. I do apologize that things have been so up in the air with me lately and I have not been very consistent. But I know we're still cool because that's the kind of friend you are. And I freaking love your family. Where does Nora come from? Macamoni and Lecheese. If I ever have a bad day, i'll just come to your house and the twins will make me feel 1000 times better about myself. Thank you for letting me tell all my STUPID jokes and for even laughing at some of them. I'll try to take a hint when certain things are getting old :) I think it's so ironic that we've become friends at such an uncharacteristic time of our lives. Me without basketball, you without good ol' BK. I still can't believe i'm not gonna be here to see how the heck that whole story unfolds. But that's okay because you made me get Skype :) And even if you want to replace me, i'll still be grateful for the memories and good ol times that we've had already. Parking lot dance parties? Arches? Interpretive dance to Grenade? La Tormenta? Making like 47 batches of cookies in one weekend? The Zone? Lactose intolerance? Speaking in 'code'? Trying to understand Portuguese? Swinging in the blizzard? Boston? Nertz? Anything and everything to do with LTC? All of our freakin' phrases - Good night! Bogus! Freak yeah Dude! Just one of those things. And i'm pretty sure i've never called you the same name twice in a row. And who could forget all the Brazillian food you have graced me with? You are one of the few people who truly understand the madness of March. I consider myself honored to be your friend.
Maddy Allen - For everything I just said about how short of a period of time Le and I have been friends, it's even crazier for us! I don't know that I have one single memory of our families together and not being just plain happy. For as long as i've known you, it kinda makes me sad that it's taken me this long to really get to know YOU. I'm so glad Kristi or Brent or whoever invited your to Arches. I feel like i'm a better person just talking to you. And I love how much love you have for other people, we won't go into specifics :) And i'm glad that we realized that we almost have the same birthday after knowing each other for almost two decades. I'm glad that you came and listened to the serious music even though we are both really wimpy drivers. I'm glad that you could hold the reflector thing oh so well. I'm glad that you came and watched us eat our dessert pizzas today even if it was just for like 20 minutes. And i'm super excited to get to work with you like every day this summer and to go camping every weekend, right? Mostly, after you putting up with me singing like the same 2 lines of this song every 40 seconds or so for 48 hours straight, I couldn't just not tag you in it. It wouldn't even be official if I didn't. Either way, Rock On girl. I am grateful for our newish, oldish friendship.
Well, I didn't sit down intending to write a novel. But I guess I did. If you sat through reading that whole thing, you deserve a pat on the back. Thank you once again for helping me break my walls down whether it was earlier today or 4 days ago or 138 months ago. I am blessed to have you in my life. :)
After posting this on FB I realized that I left out a couple of really crucial people. That includes all of the Tijuana crew, but i've written about them all so many times on this that I figure you can go through my old posts to figure out how much I love them. To be historically correct, TJ was probably the place where the most walls have fallen and the first place I decided it was time to start breaking them down. Special thanks to Holly R for introducing me to The Rocket Summer in the first place.